My WWE Total Divas Notes (Season 7, Episode 5)

I titled it 'notes' because I didn't want to dignify this show with an overview. Although, this show is painful for me to get through, in the end it's worth it to make fun of it in the end. Plus, whenever a podcast that I follow (like John Pollock and Wai Ting's shows) poke fun of it, it's so funny that it makes sitting through these shows rewarding in the end. Plus, it does offer at least some insight into the backstage lives of the WWE folk.

• Jimmy Uso and Trinity are actually a part of this show that I genuinely enjoy to watch. Jimmy's personality and charisma just crashes through the screen.

• Jimmy wants to take Trin to an arcade/laser tag joint and as 32 year old man who didn't have much of a childhood, I can't say that I can argue that choice of date destination. Luckily for me, my girlfriend enjoys it. Oh and the 32 year old I'm referring to is myself. Upon a quick Google search, I discovered that I share the same age with The Usos. Neato.

• I always catch Kevin Dunn's name in the opening credits. Which makes sense since this how is very produced, very beauty-minded and very sex-filled. This time I catch Nikki Bella's name as a co-executive producer. I've never caught that before. I likely wouldn't be able to tell the difference with her on board.

• I do have a big amount of respect for the grind that The Bellas have put into their in-ring work over the years (at least I can bear Bella matches. Don't get me started on the Kelly Kelly Kollection. Hopefully not coming soon to a WWE Network near you...seriously, have you seen her do something as basic as running the ropes?) but as a grown ass man watching the E Network and seeing them talk about Louis Vitton (I butchered the shit out of that name, didn't I?), wine and clothing lines, I just check out. I should probably be drinking when I watch this show.

• With that said, Total Bellas was pretty grueling for me to get through, Thank God it was short.

• Nikki to Brie: "You got some grays, girl!". Me" *rolls eyes*

• They talk about fans constantly asking about their comebacks. Although I enjoyed some of Nikki's matches before she took time off, I can tell you that I am all set with a Bella comeback.

• Some of the show's deceitful editing takes place as footage from the women's match at WrestleMania 32 is shown and the camera cuts to one guy doing the worship bows. I suppose it wouldn't be out of the question for one fan out of thousands to give holy praise to the women's match but it's not like it was an incredible match.

• A lot of these Total Divas/Bellas episodes are all about mcguffins. Some crisis or idea that takes the entirety of the episode to overcome or accomplish. It appears that this episode's mcguffin will be all about The Bellas looking for a sporty alternative to wrestling. (-_-) really? You're going to leave a million dollar gig at the WWE to try your luck at skateboarding? Whatever floats your boat!

• The nostalgic little kid in me always pops when Jim "The Anvil" pops up on Total Divas. He comes off very cool. As if he doesn't have any fucks to give. #AnvilLive

• Nattie forbids her parents from smoking in the house. She comes off like a demanding jerk but honestly. I don't let anyone smoke in my house no matter who they are so I feel her on that. 

• Billy Kidman sighting. Chilling with the divas like the smooth G that he is.

• Naomi jokingly saying that she showers with her custom WWE SmackDown Women's Championship. Would that mess up her belt?

• Nattie rocking the leopard print dress. Rusev isn't a fan of leopard print anything. I have to disagree on this one. Leopard print Nattie is killing it.

• Rusev is just chilling and coloring on his phone. Rusev kills it at life.

• Flashback to Lana telling Nattie that she needs to take acting classes. Nattie's promos are fine but I'm sure they'll blow it out of proportion to fill time.

• They show a SmackDown Live tag team match between Charlotte and Becky Lynch against Lana and Tamina

• This is when Lana was wearing those little white shorts to cover up a little bit of the booty that she was showing with her outfit. At the time, I could have sworn that it was going to be a part of a Total Divas angle where Mark "Bad News 4 U" Carano tells Lana that she needs to cover up. Guess not.

• They do that editing thing where someone hits a big move and the camera cuts to a few random people in the crowd cheering like crazy. It's actually a smart move on their part since casual viewers won't even notice.

• Lana waves at the fans. Rusev: "Stop! Never wave at them". Rusev = National Treasure

• Lana says that she is literally starving. She's literally not.

• Rusev wants either a baby or a Lamborghini because just one human vessel cannot contain the pure unadulterated awesomeness that is Rusev.

• As far as female national treasures go. That award goes to Nia Jax.

• Alexa's family gave up pork because she's always wanted a pig someday...That is one VERY nice family. They gave up pork not because Alexa got a pig but because she had a notion that she possibly wanted a pig someday. Of course, I'm eating a bacon cheeseburger watching this some I'm coolin'.

• Cut to The Boardin' Bellas who meet up with their skater "friends".

• Nikki: "What's hotter than eventually being this girl in a bikini and being able to kickflip?". I'm sure she'll have an audience, she just comes off as very un-authentic. I'm going to do that skater stuff in bikini" is a lot like celebs that show up on RAW like "I'm going to go do that wrestling stuff to promote my something-or-other". It's cool though, we have a McGuffin to chase.

• The Bellas struggle to do even the most basic of moves.

• Their condescending "friends" laugh at them as they continue to bumble-skate.

• Brie takes a bump off the skateboard and decides that this isn't for her. McGuffin caught.

• Nia orders a bacon cheeseburger in front of Alexa's piglet like a savage.

• Nia tries feeding the piglet bacon like the monster heel that she is. #NoChillNia

• Lana trashes Nattie some more. I didn't know that trashing the locker room vet was a thing to do but then again I'm watching a very produced program.

• Lana makes it awkward by bringing up their baby discussion. Rusev is clearly a respected beast that takes no BS because he softly and un-aggressively asks for Lana not to talk about this in front of their friends and everyone just shuts down and stand in awkwardness.

• Lana proposes that Nia carry Rusev's child. Hawt. That would be one bad ass child now that I think about it.

• The Bellas and friends are off to a horse race. Brie says that it's all about who was the best hat, who has the best dress and drinking champagne because it's opening day. I think I'll sit this one out, Brie. I'm surprised that an environmentally cautious person like her would be seen at a horse race.

• They hang out at the horse race in their big hats and fancy dresses as I remind myself why I watch this.

• The Bellas meet a champion jockey and all I could think about is the Simpsons episode. I know there's a documentary outlining Apu as an offensive character. Maybe it's time for the jockeys to make one of their own.

• The jockey is Latino. Good to see him doing his thing at a championship level.

• For all my fellow Latinos out there, have you heard the Bellas speak Spanish? Yikes.

• The race is giving Brie the itch to come back to the ring.

• I am very honestly surprised to see Brie at a horse race.

• Rusev is filming Lana, Nia and friend twerking. He's fakes camera problems. He's a G.

• Rusev is in rare form on this boat. He's yelling at Lana through a mini Jimmy Hart megaphone and Eskimo kissing Alexa's piglet as Sheamus randomly jumps into the water from the boat that they're all in. #TheGoodLife

• Alexa looks SO awkward sitting there listening to Lanasev (Oh snap. That's a thing now.) argue about kids.

• Nattie's mom tells her that Jim "The Anvil" got a job as a neighborhood security guard. That's awesome. Imagine trying to break into a house and you get your ass beat by Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart.

• Nattie says that Jim would invite a burglar into the house to watch classic WWE tapes. SIGN ME UP.

• They gave Jim a German fucking Shepard to patrol with. I can't think of a more bad ass duo than that. #AnvilDog

• Nattie drives up next to Anvil and Anvil Dog. I was right. This is great.

• I've noticed in this episode that they really like to edit in animal noises. They edited in the horse neighing at Nikki, the pig squealing with Alexa and the dog barking with Anvil.

• Apparently Anvil Dog pissed in one of their rooms. They don't show it though. It's a conspriacy against Anvil Dog.

• Okay, who leaves a cigarette in the mailbox?

• There's The Bullet Club and The National Treasures stable. As of right now my National Treasure stable includes Rusev, Drew Gulak and Nia Jax is a junior member. I hereby add Nattie's mom to the Total Divas wing of The National Treasures stable.

• The Bellas sit on a rooftop sipping on red wine, watching the sunset and contemplating life. Must be nice.

• This is essentially the reason why I don't watch reality TV or any of these fancy E! shows. I'm not a fan of subjecting myself to 42 minutes of "Hey, come see how good we live". The characters are very unrelatable. 

• 3/4 through the show and The Bellas have decided that nothing, not even skateboarding, can replace wrestling in the WWE. Color me shocked. McGuffin conceived, chased after, caught and all under 42 minutes. 

• I'm just going to start to use the world 'McGuffin' as a noun AND a verb. No rules here.

• Brie: "I think we need to make a comeback". My reaction: 
  
• "2017 is the year of the Bellas." Every year has seemingly been the year of the Bellas. However, as of this airing, The Bellas haven't really been on TV at all so I guess perhaps the first quarter of 2017 was the year of the Bellas.

• Nikki: "I swear to the Chinese.....not dictionary...wait, what's it called?". Brie: "Calendar?". Nikki: "Yeah.

• .......

• Okay, that line HAD to be produced. There's no way she didn't know that. This woman is on national TV and can't think to use the world 'calendar' and my ITT Tech graduate friends sit here jobless. Viva life

• Speaking of produced storylines, Rusev and Lana chop it up about babies. Yay or nay? Let's make a decision at the peak of your athletic careers.

• Nattie's mom cooks up a tenant/landlord agreement. Because Nattie is going ham with these rules. Can't we just throw our cigarettes in the mailbox in peace?

• Nattie refers to Anvil as a supporting figure to her mom who birthed her. To be fair, Anvil's career pretty much set them all for life as part of the WWE family.

• This show (and all other shows): Life is good right now + Insert problem + Conveniently solve it in 20 or 40 minutes = Another episode in the can.

• Rusev takes an eternity to sit up by using the electric couch. Everything this guys does is awesome.

• I die a little inside whenever Brie does that Brie Mode thing before a missile dropkick. I really. truly do. Anytime she lands it it's because her opponent were too busy rolling their eyes to move out of the way. 

• Her singles theme is equally offensive.

• Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure that during Brie's training session that she missile dropkicks Daniel Bryan but they cut away and don't show him taking any bumps. That is very, very, very, very. very, VERY interesting. So he can bump...juuuuust not on camera. That's a bit hypocritical, no?

• Next time on Total Divas: "Come see how good we're living in Caboooooo!"

• Lana's bowing up to Nattie is another thing that I'm guessing is a little bit produced unless Lana's just integrated into the locker room this much or just has it like that. There's no way you could keep disrespecting Nattie the vet and just keep having things be okay.

• This episode felt as long as a 3 hour RAW (no hyperbole) but this was fun! I'm still new to this blog review thing so this admittedly took forever to do. I have a whole new respect for wrestling journalists.